


Things Left Unsaid

by ShallowSeas



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt, Jax is looking out for Len, Legends of Tomorrow - Freeform, Len and Mick were married, Len wants to be a better man, Len's on the verge of a breakdown, Len's trying to be better, Love, M/M, Memories, Mick's memorial, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Leonard Snart, POV Lisa Snart, POV Mick Rory, Pain, Regret, Reunions, Sacrifice, Suffering, The Flash - Freeform, There's a lot of pain here, coldwave, goldenvibe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:26:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShallowSeas/pseuds/ShallowSeas
Summary: AU - Mick sacrifices himself at the Oculus.Mick was his partner, his best friend and even if he could never find the way to say it, Mick was the love of his life.They had been together for three decades. Without Mick, he wasn't sure what to do, life just felt empty.Without Mick, life didn't feel worth living.Leonard didn't know how to keep moving forward, after this.He didn't know how to move on, he didn't think he could.He wasn't even sure he wanted to.





	1. Three Words

"I'm not leaving without you!" Mick growled, shooting his heat gun in all directions, attempting to keep the time masters at bay.

"You have to!" Leonard shouted back at him. "There's no reason for _both_ of us to go down, so get the hell out of here!" Leonard ordered, firing a couple shots from his cold gun, his other hand still on the fail-safe. Mick wasn't going anywhere, though. Ignoring Leonard, he stayed within a few feet from Len, keeping off the time masters. Leonard knew there were more headed their way, and they wouldn't be able to hold them off forever.

"You have to go, _now_!" Leonard hissed, failing to hide the panic that was rising in his voice. He couldn't let Mick be here when he destroyed the Oculus, he needed Mick safe.

Mick quickly turned to face Len, placed his left hand on the back of Len's neck and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. It wasn't the first time they had kissed, but it was the first time he could feel so much power behind it, so much emotion. It was so much more than their usual lustful kisses, so much more than the drunken nights they spent together. Leonard allowed himself to melt into Mick, savoring the last time, with one hand still on the fail-safe. Len felt the rest of the world slowly fall away and stop spinning. In that moment, it felt like nothing else mattered. He was going to die, but that was okay, because Mick was going to live.

Bringing himself down to reality, he pulled away and looked into Mick's eyes. "Sorry, boss." Mick mumbled, he was looking at the ground now, taking a couple steps back. At the time, Leonard thought Mick was apologizing for the kiss, he didn't realize how wrong he really was.

" _Mick!_ You need to go!" Leonard yelled, firing off a couple shots from his cold gun. He knew Mick didn't want to leave his side, you never leave one of your own behind, that was their code. But he couldn't let Mick go down with him, he couldn't let Mick go out like this, not when he knew he could do so much more.

Mick shook his head lightly and Leonard watched as his face softened a bit, letting his guard down. For the first time Leonard could remember, Mick looked completely vulnerable.

"Can't." Mick told him, taking another step forward. "I love you, Len." It was barely a whisper, and he choked on the words as they left his mouth. Leonard's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to respond, then everything went black.

* * *

Mick watched as Sara ran to safety, with an unconscious Leonard over her shoulder. He knew Leonard would be pissed when he woke up, but he couldn't let Len sacrifice himself. He just couldn't. Mick knew there was a light inside Len, deep down, a light Mick would never have. He knew Len was afraid of showing weakness; weakness was a death sentence. But through their time on the waverider, Mick noticed it more and more each day. He always knew Len was a much better man than he was; he had been telling Leonard so since they were teenagers, but Len was just as stubborn then.

Leonard could bring something good to the world, he could inspire people to be better; like he had done with Sara in Russia, like he had tried with Mick. But all Mick had inside was a bitter darkness. He had tried to be good, for Leonard, but he could hear when the team talked about him. He wasn't as stupid as they thought. He could see it in their eyes, whenever they looked at him-he'd never be anything other than a thug. No matter what he did, or how hard he tried to change, he'd always be a monster. All he could bring the world was destruction, and the only thing he could inspire in people was fear.

Mick was okay with dying. For the first time in his life, he was doing something good. For the first time in his life, he could actually give Leonard a reason to be proud of him. He could go out like the man Leonard always wanted him to be, the man Leonard always believed he could be.

"Shut it down!" Druce shouted at Mick, fear present in his eyes. Mick rumbled a short laugh.

"I'm _done_ taking orders." Mick smiled, bitterly; a second later, the light was blinding.

* * *

Leonard could hear the team talking from his spot in the med bay, they sounded miles away. He couldn't make out any words, but he could hear their voices. Everyone's voice, except the one he desperately wanted to hear. His head was pounding from the hit he received from Mick; there was a sharp pain right behind his eyes, he could barely open them. Len didn't really want to see the rest of the team, anyway. He didn't want them to see him like this. Hurt. Weak. Desperate. He didn't want to hear their apologies. He didn't want them asking if he was okay. How could he be? He wasn't even sure he knew what "okay" was, anymore. He just wanted to be left alone. If he never saw the rest of them again, that would be okay.

Len sat up slowly; his left hand covering his eyes and the right placed on the bed, pushing him up and holding himself upright. He used his left hand like a visor and blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the brightness. When the pain finally dulled enough, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room. He let out a quiet sigh, letting a tear run down his face as reality started to set in; as the memories started flooding back, threatening to drown him. Mick was gone, he had taken Len's place at the Oculus.

Leonard kept going over it in his head; the way Mick had looked at him, and the kiss that made the rest of the world freeze. All he ever wanted was for Mick to be safe, for him to be happy; that's what Mick deserved, not this. Mick didn't deserve this. Len had wanted Mick to have a better life, to be the man Len knew he was capable of being. He would've given up his own life, for Mick, without a second thought. He would've given up everything for him.

Len was the only one who ever really had faith in Mick, the only person who didn't fear him and truly trusted him. It hurt to think about it. No matter what Mick said, or how he acted, he only ever wanted to be accepted. He only wanted to be looked at as more than just a monster, to be seen as more than just a thug. It's why Leonard always made a point to let Mick know they were partners, that they were in this together. He always needed Mick to know that when the cards were down, they'd have each others backs. Leonard needed him to know he wouldn't leave Mick behind, it was them against the world.

Leonard ran his hands over his face and through his hair. He let out a quiet sob, recalling Mick's last words. Three words neither of them had said to each other before. Three words Len was always too terrified to say. Three words, that now, Len would never get to say. Leonard had felt the pain of loss a million times before, but it was nothing quite like this. There was a tightness in his chest that made it hard to breathe. It felt like he was sinking to the bottom of the ocean, the pressure squeezing out every inch of air left in his lungs. There was no chance of escape. For the first time in his life, Leonard felt completely and utterly helpless. Mick was gone. There was nothing he could do to bring him back; there was nothing he could've done to stop him.

Len was drowning in guilt; he had let Mick down. He had let himself down. He was the one who convinced Mick to join the Legends. Len was supposed to take care of him, keep him safe and watch his back. Len was supposed to bring him home one day. But, now he didn't even have a body to bury; he didn't even get to say goodbye. He didn't get to tell Mick that he loved him back, that he always had.

He felt like he needed to do something, for Mick. He needed to hurt someone, he needed to kill someone, he needed to make someone pay; he needed to fix this. But there was no way to avenge Mick, there wasn't a way to plan his way out of this. Mick had sacrificed himself and the time masters were gone. There was no one left to blame for Mick's death, no one left to take out his anger on. No one except himself. Mick was his partner, his best friend and even if he could never find the way to say it, Mick was the love of his life. They had been together for three decades. Without Mick, he wasn't sure what to do, life just felt empty. Without Mick, life didn't feel worth living. Leonard didn't know how to keep moving forward, after this. He didn't know how to move on, he didn't think he could. He wasn't even sure he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was painful to write. It has definitely been a while since I've really written anything, and I always have a hard time setting the scene, so hopefully jumping right into the action isn't so bad. Please feel free to leave any thoughts in the comments, I'm all for constructive criticism. It may not have the best writing, but I've been working on getting better. Hopefully you still enjoy!  
> 


	2. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had wanted to give himself and Mick a better life, a longer life. But the only thing he had accomplished was bringing Mick to his death, and he just wasn't able to forgive himself for that.
> 
> "Just because I've played the good guy on your little crusade, doesn't make me a good person. I'm the same shitty person I always have been, and I'm only interested in saving my own skin."

Time had never moved more slowly than it had the first week without Mick. Every minute had felt like hours, and it had been unbearable. Leonard thought the worst part was the silence. Normally, Len could've killed for this kind of silence, at least enough to get some work done, or to read a book. These days, it just felt heavy, uneasy. Like the silence was mocking him, reminding him of everything he had lost, pulling him deeper and deeper inside his own head.

Leonard had been alone before, for years at a time. But at the end of the day, that was fine, he knew they'd always find their way back to each other. They always did. But this time was different, because Len knew Mick was gone. Mick was never coming home and it made Leonard sick. He couldn't stand the sight of any of the team members. He wanted to blame them, all of them. He knew it wasn't their fault, but it was easier to lash out at them. He didn't know what else to do. Hatred came easy for him, grief didn't.

Len couldn't get Mick's last word's out of his head. The words he had never heard Mick say before, words he'd never hear Mick say again. Thinking about it made him feel so empty. He had loved Mick, with everything he had, but he was never able to tell him. They both knew love was a weakness. But now, with Mick gone, it ate Leonard alive. He tried telling himself that, after everything they'd been through, Mick must've known. But he couldn't stop his doubt from swallowing him whole. When it came down to it, they had been through so much shit, maybe Mick had no idea.

They were never the type of people to have a standard relationship. From the outside looking in, most people would've had no idea that they were together. But to people who knew them well enough, you could see they cared more about each other than most other people. The faint smiles here and there, showing a side of himself that most people didn't get to see. The light and familiar touches that looked normal to someone who didn't know how hard it was for Leonard to physically touch another person, or to let another person touch him. Or the way they moved around each other with ease, during a heist or a fight, like they could read each others minds. They knew exactly what was expected of each other, they could finish each other's sentences.

Thirty years together and they never said the words, Len always felt like they didn't need to. It was an unspoken rule between the two of them. They knew they cared about each other, and that was all that mattered. They didn't need to use those words, because at the end of the day, they were meaningless. Even when they got married, all those years ago, they didn't say the words. Len could see it in Mick's eyes that night, a happiness he hadn't seen on Mick's face in quite some time. It was a night that Leonard would never forget, but he couldn't think about that right now, it hurt too much.

Aside from Lisa, Leonard had never been as close to anyone as he had been with Mick. They had known each other for practically their entire lives. It was the type of pain Len didn't know how to deal with, he didn't know how to come back from it. Usually, after a bad fight with Mick, Len would bury himself into a job. He would shut Lisa out and get to one of his safe houses to lay low for a while and take some time to cool down. He'd spend months casing a job, planning the heist and keeping himself from spending too much time thinking. These days, he just felt trapped. He couldn't plan jobs, he couldn't go on heists and he hadn't left his room since it happened.

The team, by which he meant Jax, Ray and Sara, had tried keeping him involved, inviting him on missions, but they mostly kept their distance. He hadn't seen or heard from Ray since the day it happened. Sara had come by a couple times, but he hadn't heard from her in a few days. Leonard figured they were afraid of what he might do. He was a criminal, and a murderer, after-all. Before, that would've irritated him, at least a little. He had been doing better. But now, he understood, especially after what he had done to Ray. Len was afraid of himself, too.

A lightly cautious, but sturdy, knock on his door pulled him away from his thoughts. He had been sitting up in his bed, staring at the blank wall for the last several hours, the same thing he did every day since the incident.

"No."

"You don't even know what I was gonna say."

It was Jax, again. Leonard had to admit, the kid was persistent. Coming to Leonard's door at least twice a day, he could say with certainty that the kid wasn't afraid of him. That was something Len had always admired about the kid; no matter who he was up against, Jax showed no fear. Even after he and Mick had cornered him in the jumpship, he stood his ground and Len had been pretty impressed. Ever since then, he had a different relationship with the kid than the rest of the team. But, the more Len thought about it, the more he thought Jax shouldn't be anywhere near him. Len didn't deserve his kindness, he definitely didn't deserve his friendship. He could only hurt Jax, he could only lead him down a dark path. That was something the kid didn't seem to understand.

"I don't care." Len drawled, keeping his eyes straight ahead.

"Come on, man. You gotta talk to someone about this."

"I don't 'gotta' do _anything_." Len snapped back, finally turning his head to glare at the door.

"Look. All I'm sayin' is, I'm here, if you wanna talk-"

"I don't." Leonard spat.

He didn't want to yell at the kid, not really. If anything, Jax was the one person on the ship Leonard could still partially tolerate. He didn't want to talk, but he didn't really want the kid to stop trying, either. As much as he hated to admit it, if he was going to end up talking to anyone, it'd be Jax. Other than Ray and Sara, Jax was pretty much the only person who ever made Mick feel less like a dog and more like part of a team. The only person who actually treated Mick with a little dignity. Even if they had been a little condescending at times, it was due to the fact that he and Mick were criminals. Which was annoying, to say the least, seeing as most of the people on the ship had committed murder more times than he and Mick combined, but he could get over that. What ate him alive was the way they talked to Mick, like he was stupid, incapable of his own thoughts and capable of murdering anyone, at anytime. They treated him like nothing more than an animal, a monster, and it infuriated Len.

Mick had never even got a proper memorial, or anything. For the most part, the team carried on like nothing had happened. It killed Leonard to think about it. They were supposed to be a team. Maybe they weren't all friends and they definitely weren't the most loving type of team, but they were supposed to look after one another, they were supposed to have each other's backs and keep each other safe. But Leonard was starting to realize, you were only worth their time if you were good enough. Apparently, Mick hadn't been. They took Mick for how they saw him, not for how he really was. Mick may have had his problems, he was definitely troubled, but at the end of the day he was a good man and he had a good heart, even if he wasn't the best at showing it. It wasn't his fault, it was just all he knew. They never even gave him a chance.

"You know, it wasn't your fault." Jax's voice broke Len from his thoughts. He sounded softer, more unsure than before. He was definitely nervous to bring it up. Other than Ray, right after it happened, none of them had really tried. Mostly because Leonard had gone after Ray, after he had mentioned it.

_Leonard had left the med room, against Gideon's advice. He didn't want to be in there anymore. He was tired of everyone checking in on him, he was tired of their questions. He peaked around the corner before making his way to his bedroom, hoping to make it there without anyone noticing him. He had made it about halfway down the hall when he heard Ray come up behind him._

_"Hey, Snart!"_

_Len stopped walking, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. "Now's not the time, Raymond." He tried to keep his voice even as he turned to face him. He couldn't deal with this right now. All he wanted was to be left alone._

_"I just wanted to say, I'm sorry about Mick." Ray took a gentle step forward. He looked like he was about to reach out, but thought better of it. "We'll miss him. He was a part of the team. I-"_

_Leonard's harsh laugh cut him off. "Are you kidding me?" He spat, taking a challenging step forward. "You'll miss him? You didn't even know him!" Ray was backing up now, with his hands out in front of him for defense._

_"I didn't mean it like that. I just-"_

_Before he even realized what he was doing, Leonard had taken a swing, hitting Ray across the cheek and knocking him to the ground. "He was a part of the team?! Please. You all treated him like an animal! All of you thought you were so much better than him! You all looked at him like he was a monster! You treated him like nothing more than an idiot! A dog!" He stepped over Ray, raising his fist again. "Never again. Never say his name again!"_

_"Leonard, that's enough!" Sara had shouted as she and Rip came running around the corner. "Leave him alone!" She had grabbed Len's arm, attempting to pull him back._

_"Get the hell off of me!" Len spat through clenched teeth, as he rounded on Sara and shoved her backwards. He took another step towards her as Rip got in-between them._

_"Mr. Snart!" Rip had taken a step forward, raising his hands in front of Len's chest, hoping to keep him at a distance._

_"Not another step." Leonard told him, slowly, attempting to calm himself down. Rip seemed to have understood, as he took a step back and helped Sara back to her feet._

_Len looked back at Ray, who for the first time Leonard could remember, actually looked a little afraid of him. He and Ray weren't friends, he didn't even really like him, but Ray didn't deserve this. The team had no idea - Leonard was the monster, not Mick._

_The gravity of what he had just done came up quickly and the next thing he knew he was pushing through Rip and Sara. Ignoring their calls, he headed straight for his room._

After that, no one had been dumb enough to bring up Mick's name. Len was grateful, he wasn't about to talk to any of them about Mick. Although, as much as he didn't like Ray, he felt a little bad. Ray was one of the few people who actually did seem to care about Mick, he had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jax had come to the door several times before, but it was always just to check on him, try to bring him food or invite him on a mission. Talking about what happened was unfamiliar territory, for both of them.

Suddenly, Leonard felt a lot less like he was going to boil over and more like he was going to drown. His chest was tight and he could feel his heart in his stomach, all his limbs felt heavy and his throat was dry.

"You don't know what you're talking about." He practically whispered, unsure if the kid was even still there.

"I know you cared about him." Jax continued, sounding more confident than before. "And I know you would've done everything you could to save him. I just-" Jax let out a quiet sigh. "You shouldn't be punishing yourself like this." Jax paused again and Len was starting to think he should let the kid inside. If he was going to continue, Len didn't want the rest of the team to hear what he was saying. But more than that, he really didn't want anyone to see him in his current state. He decided he'd leave the door closed, just as Jax started again. "You may have done some bad stuff in your life, but this isn't on you. You didn't do this to him. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't be just sitting in your room, punishing yourself for something you had no control over. You deserve better than that."

Deep down, Leonard knew he was right. He had no control over the situation. As it turns out, the Time Masters had pretty much been in control of his entire life. He couldn't have done anything to save Mick, he knew that. But he had brought Mick here, he had convinced him this was a good play. When it came down to it, he had lied to Mick to get him there. It's not like they were ever really completely honest with each other, but this time, one of them had died over it. He told Mick it was about the score, but in reality, he wanted them both to be better. Granted, a good score would've been nice, but that wasn't really what he was after. He had wanted to give himself and Mick a better life, a longer life. But the only thing he had accomplished was bringing Mick to his death, and he just wasn't able to forgive himself for that.

"Just because I've played the good guy on your little crusade, doesn't make me a good person. I'm the same shitty person I always have been, and I'm only interested in saving my own skin."

He could hear Jax scoff on the other side of the door.

"You can feed that line to yourself and everyone else on this ship all you want, but I know you better than that. I've seen you out there, I've worked with you." Jax stopped himself, he was starting to get a little louder than intended. "You don't have to talk about it now, you don't even have to talk to me. I just hope you can find a way to forgive yourself and get past all this."

Leonard stopped talking then, glad he hadn't opened the door. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. They didn't understand and he couldn't explain it, even if he wanted to. Every single one of them only knew what Len wanted them to know about him. Granted, the kid knew more about it than anyone else on the ship, but he still barely knew anything. Once he heard the kid's footsteps retreating down the hall, he added. "I wouldn't count on it."

Leonard slid further into bed and turned to face the wall. He knew he couldn't keep this up, he needed a game plan. Mick wouldn't want him like this. Weak. He needed to pull himself together and figured out his next move. He hadn't decided if he wanted to stay, or not. He didn't fit, no matter how hard he tried, these weren't his people. At the same time, Central City didn't really feel like home, anymore. But that's where Lisa was, and he needed to tell her what happened. He wasn't ready for that, he was pretty sure he'd never be able to get the words out. In all actuality, he wouldn't even need to say the words, Lisa would know the minute she saw his face. Len might be able to keep it together, but Lisa could still read him like a book. He didn't think he could deal with that right now. He would need to be strong for her. If he was going to tell her what happened, he would need to keep his composure, and he wasn't sure he could do that this soon. For the first time in his life, Leonard had no idea what to do next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't want to hurt Ray, but I needed Leonard to lose control a little bit. We never really see him do something like this, but I feel like the death of Mick would really push him over the edge. Sorry about the pain this chapter causes! More to come soon. :)


	3. Onward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len let out a quiet sigh. "Sit down, Raymond." He waved his hand over the bed, gesturing for Ray to join him.
> 
> Ray looked around the room, slowly. He then carefully made his way to the bed and sat down, immediately placing his hands in his lap and started fidgeting. "Sorry. It's just kinda weird being in here now." Ray admitted. "Everything looks the same."
> 
> It took Leonard a second to understand what he was talking about. Until he realized, Ray must've been in the room before to talk with Mick. Len and Mick had shared a room, after-all. He looked around the room at Ray's mention of it. He was right, Len hadn't changed anything. Part of him wanted to throw everything out and change rooms, but a bigger part of him wanted to keep everything the same. He wanted to be reminded of Mick, even if it hurt.

It had been a month since it happened. Leonard was slowly pacing back and forth, across his room. He was preparing to say his final goodbye to the team. Len had finally decided - he was going back to Central City. He was trying to calm himself down, he was putting on his Captain Cold facade. He had been locked up in his bedroom for so long, falling apart, it had been a while since he actually had to pretend like he was okay. Thankfully, with all the practice he had throughout the years, it wasn't too hard stepping back into his cool demeanor. The team didn't need to know how bad he hurt, they didn't need to know how much he was dreading going back. Central was his home, with Mick. Going back without him just didn't feel right.

There was one thing he was looking forward to, though - Lisa. He hadn't seen her in months. He had kept an eye on her, of course, he needed to make sure she was okay. Len knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself, but he would always worry about her. It had always been up to him to take care of her and keep her safe.

Len hadn't figured out how he was going to tell her; he and Mick were the only family she had. How was he supposed to look her in the eyes and tell her that Mick was dead, and it was all his fault? He had let her down again. Len had no idea how Lisa could even look at him, sometimes. He spent so long teaching her how to be strong, how to keep up appearances. When it came down to it, she was stronger than him. He never knew if he should be proud, or disgusted. He always landed somewhere in-between the two.

There was a quiet knock on the door that took Leonard from his thoughts. He could barely hear it and had no idea who would be coming down to his room. They had already landed in Central City, he'd be making his way to Rip's office in a matter on minutes. Leonard let out a quiet sigh.

"What?" He asked as he passed the door, continuing his pacing.

"Can I come in?" Len stopped dead in his tracks and snapped his head up to look back at the door. It was Ray. Len's anxiety was starting to rise, he hadn't spoken to Ray since the incident. He had felt bad, of course. More so now than when it first happened. He had been wanting to tell Ray how sorry he was, but he wasn't going to do it in front of the entire team and he wasn't going to leave his room to go find him. Even if he did, he wasn't sure he could find the words. He never really apologized, for anything, but he felt like he should say something. He had crossed a line, and regardless of how Len felt about Ray, he was Mick's friend. He deserved better.

"I suppose." Leonard drawled, making his way to sit on the edge of his bed, staring at the wall again.

Ray came inside slowly, quietly. To Len's surprise, he didn't look afraid, or angry. He just looked worried. Sad, even. "You, uh, headed back home?"

"I am," Leonard said slowly. "if you can still call it that." He added, more quietly.

Ray looked at the ground and started to wring his hands. "I really am sorry, Snart."

"No, Raymond. I am." Leonard told him, making eye contact now. "You didn't deserve that."

Ray actually smiled. "No, don't worry about it! It's fine, I get it, I crossed a line-"

"No." Len shot back, sounding a little more hostile than intended, but he needed Ray to understand. He couldn't let him just brush it off. "You were Mick's.." He trailed off.

He couldn't help but think of all the times he had given Mick shit over talking to Ray, over nothing but jealousy. His stupid jealousy that he could never keep under control. So many of their fights on the waverider had been about just that. They weren't alone, for the first time in a while, and they were both very jealous people. If Len looked at someone else, Mick would make sure Len was there to see him do a little more with someone else, and vice versa. It took Len until now to realize that his jealousy may have played a roll in Len's distaste for Ray, but that wasn't fair.

"Snart?" Ray asked, looking concerned.

Len let out a quiet sigh. "Sit down, Raymond." He waved his hand over the bed, gesturing for Ray to join him.

Ray looked around the room, slowly. He then carefully made his way to the bed and sat down, immediately placing his hands in his lap and started fidgeting. "Sorry. It's just kinda weird being in here now." Ray admitted. "Everything looks the same."

It took Leonard a second to understand what he was talking about. Until he realized, Ray must've been in the room before to talk with Mick. Len and Mick had shared a room, after-all. He looked around the room at Ray's mention of it. He was right, Len hadn't changed anything. Part of him wanted to throw everything out and change rooms, but a bigger part of him wanted to keep everything the same. He wanted to be reminded of Mick, even if it hurt.

Len returned his gaze to Ray and let out a deep sigh. He wasn't going to talk about his feelings for Mick to Ray. He couldn't even believe he was going as far as to apologize to him. "First things first, anything I'm about to say to you does not leave this room-"

"Yeah, uh. No problem."

"If you speak about this, to anyone - I will find you, and you will freeze. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yeah, got it. Lips are zipped."

Len rolled his eyes, but decided that was good enough. "You were Mick's friend." Len started again, more confident this time. It was still weird to think about. Mick didn't exactly make friends easily. Len was glad, though. Mick needed it. "I meant what I said, but I shouldn't have said it to you." Len told him, doing his best to maintain eye contact. He was getting uncomfortable talking like this, but he didn't want to show any weakness about it. "I never should've touched you-"

"Snart, it's-"

 _"Raymond."_ Len snapped.

"Sorry! Go ahead."

Leonard glared at him for a minute before continuing. "I never should have touched you. You were only trying to help, you always are. You were his friend, and he's gone and I was-" Len forced a laugh. "I was so angry, I'm still so fucking angry. I was looking for any excuse to make someone hurt as bad as I do." Len stared at the ground, dropping his voice to just above a whisper. "I never should've lost control." He admitted, before looking back at Ray. "You're hurting, too. You didn't need me to make it worse."

With that, Leonard was done. He had a lot he wanted to say to him, but he needed to stop himself while he still could. If he let himself get too emotional, he'd start spilling everything. Len had already said more than he would've liked to, the last thing he needs is to be pouring out his soul to Ray Palmer.

"Apology accepted." Ray smiled, wide. "Thanks, Snart. Really. I know that must've been hard for you."

"You have no idea." Leonard smirked, and Ray smiled back.

"Well, everyone's waiting for you in Rip's office." Ray told him, standing up and making his way to the door. "For the record, I'll miss you around here." Ray waited momentarily in the doorway for a response that wasn't coming. After a moment, he just mouthed an 'okay' and walked away.

Leonard figured he was as ready now as he was ever going to be. He gathered his things and made his way to Rip's office. He could hear the team from around the corner, laughing and carrying on. Jax turned around the corner, heading towards Leonard.

"I was just coming to get you." Jax shouted from down the hall.

"Raymond beat you to it." Len smiled. "But since I got you here, I wanted to give you this." Len handed him a piece of paper with an address. "It's a safehouse of mine, which you will tell no one. Next time you find yourself back in Central, why don't you stop by for a visit? Even if I'm not there, you'll find a way to contact me."

"Will do, man." Jax smiled, but looked a little unsure.

"I mean it. No one finds out about this."

"Chill, dude. I promise!" Jax told him, turning around to start walking back to Rip's office, Leonard followed behind.

They stepped inside and Sara handed him a glass of what Leonard assumed was whiskey. He swirled the glass and took a sip. Definitely whiskey.

Rip took a step forward. "I'd just like to say you were a remarkable member of the team, Mr. Snart. I'll admit, when I first recruited you and your partner, I was a bit apprehensive. But you two proved to be an incredible addition to our team. None of us would be here today, if not for the sacrifice of Mr. Rory." Rip paused.

Leonard felt his throat constrict. He had been hoping that everyone would just avoid the subject, but he knew that was just wishful thinking. He had been working on himself, he had been getting better. He could do this.</p>

"I just hope that, wherever you find yourself next, you can find it in yourself to be happy again." Rip continued, gaining his confidence again, he extended his arm to Len.

Not likely. But he wasn't going to fight about it now. He had better things to do and better places to be. "I'll do my best, Captain." Len hesitated briefly, then shook Rip's hand. He just wanted to get this over with.

Jax raised his glass. "To Snart and Rory."

They all raised their glasses. "To Snart and Rory!" Everyone took a sip and started talking among themselves again.

They were sharing stories and laughing. They looked so happy. Leonard never understood how some people could be so light. He couldn't figure out how people could just trust someone enough to be friends, he didn't understand how some people could let themselves be so vulnerable. Sometimes, he was glad he was alone. It made things easier. Other times, he wished he had someone to confine in. But he just wasn't built for that, anymore.

Years ago, he and Mick used to talk all the time. They told each other what was going on, how they felt. They didn't necessarily throw everything on the table, but the world hadn't hardened them, yet. Not too much, anyway. But as the years went on, they grew harder, crueler. Before long, they had started confusing love for violence and violence for love. They were choking on feelings and acting on impulse. Eventually, it just became clear - if Len couldn't even bring himself to talk to Mick about his feelings, he couldn't talk to anyone. But, he didn't need to. It was fine. He was fine.

Leonard had never been good at dealing with the emotions of himself, or others. Especially in front of other people. Every member of the team had come up to him at some point during the day, telling him how much they cared, saying they'd miss him, even asking him to stay. He never knew how to respond. He wouldn't miss them, not really. He was good at detaching himself from people, he had been doing it all his life. He could walk off this ship and be fine if he lived the rest of his life without hearing from any of them again. That's what he kept telling himself, anyway.

Len took a hesitant step forward, "Well, I must say, working with you all has been a pleasure." He smirked. "For future reference, the next time an immortal psychopath tries taking over the world - you can leave me in Central." Leonard set his glass down on Rip's desk and started making his way out of the office. "Now, if you don't mind, I have places to be. I haven't been home in quite a while."

In a way, Leonard had come to appreciate most members of the team. They were people from all over, with different stories who all came together to achieve a common goal. Each person had their own strengths, they were all willing to go above and beyond. Each team member really was there to help make the world a better place. Len could respect that. It was the kind of friendship and loyalty that Len hadn't seen a lot of in his life. It was something he had shared with Mick and Lisa, and he even had limitations on that. He wasn't built to work with others, he was built to be alone.

* * *

Arriving in Central City wasn't the homecoming Len was wishing for, but it was about what he had expected. He felt like a stranger in his own home; so much had changed in just a few months. He walked around for a while, avoiding the inevitable. After about an hour, he finally flagged a cab down and got inside.

"Where to?" The cab driver asked, then met Len's eyes in the rear-view mirror. "You look familiar... Have we met?"

"No." Leonard said simply, turning his head to look out the window.

The driver turned his head to get a better look. "Wait a second.. You're.. You're Captain Cold!" The driver nearly jumped out of his seat at the realization.

"Always pleased to meet a fan." Leonard drawled, removing his cold gun from the holster and slowly lifting it between the front two seats, aiming it at the man's face. "Now, you'll forget you ever saw me." He threatened. "Got it?"

The excitement in the man's eyes soon turned to terror as he shook his head and faced the road again.

"Excellent. Now - take me to the coffee shop off 6th and Maple." Leonard told him, returning his gaze to the window.

"Are you sure?" The driver asked, fear present in his voice. "It's still pretty early and you're not exactly-"

"If I want your opinion, I'll be sure to let you know." Len said, coolly.

"Right.. Okay.. Coffee shop it is." With that, he started driving.

"Thank you."

It took about ten minutes to get to the shop from where he had been dropped off by the legends. They offered to take him home, but he wasn't going home and he didn't want any of them to know where this safehouse was. Normally, he would've stolen a car, but he was already making plans for his time here in Central, so the cops didn't need to know he was back, yet.

  
They came to a stop right outside the coffee shop. Len threw on a pair of sunglasses and handed the man some money before stepping out. "For your trouble." Len told him, when he noticed the look of concern in the man's eyes. Clearly he wasn't used to being around criminals, they could be nice. Granted, he normally wouldn't have paid the man, but he didn't need him dropping the dime on Len, not far from his safehouse. In his old days, he would've shot the man - dead men don't talk. But these days, he was trying to be better. It was hard, without Mick.

Len shut the cab door, waited for it to be out of sight before he turned and started walking down Maple. He made his way around the next few blocks, dipping through alleyways and backtracking on his trail. He finally made his way to a little side road called Grove, which would dead-end at an abandoned warehouse lot. There were no houses on the road, no shops, or anything. It was more or less and trail, overrun by trees. They had picked this lot on purpose, no cars were getting through that road, easily.

It was about a half mile walk before he could see the lot. He walked around the gate, looking for any civilians, making sure no one would see him. When decided it was clear, from what he could see, he climbed the fence. He made his way to the warehouses, walking around each one, he needed absolute certainty that no one was there before he was going to give away his safehouse.

When he finally decided it was clear, he walked up to his safehouse and opened the door. He wrinkled his nose and the musty smell. It was dark, and everything was covered in dust. That was a good thing. This was the emergency safehouse, only Lisa, Mick and Len knew about it. If something went wrong during a heist, they'd regroup here. If they got separated, for whatever reason, they'd meet back here. Any time Lewis was back in town, they never went to their actual homes, this was their hideout. Knowing Lewis was gone was a good feeling, but the truth was - the man would always be in Len's head, in the way he spoke, in his actions. In Leonard's eyes - Lewis would never be gone, he lived on in Len.

  
He made his way to one of the makeshift bedrooms he and Mick had made when they first took over the warehouse - it was Lisa's room. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have stepped foot in there. But he knew she would've left some way to get a hold of her, she always did. He tried not to look around too much, they were a family that enjoyed their privacy. After rummaging through a few drawers, he found a cell phone with a single number programmed in.

He wasted no time dialing the number, he needed to hear her voice, he needed to know she was okay. Lisa picked up after three rings, not saying anything. It was something he had taught her a long time ago - never speak until you know who's on the other line. After a brief moment of silence, he knew she wasn't going to talk first, so Leonard finally spoke up.

"Is that you?" Len tried to keep his voice calm, feeling anything but.

"Lenny! Oh, thank God! Are you okay!"

He couldn't help the smile that spread over his face at the sound of her voice. He had missed her, more than he would've liked to admit. After everything he had been through with the legends, there was nothing he wanted more than to come home to his baby sister. He just wished Mick was here with him.

"I'm fine, Sis." He reassured her, but he knew she could already hear it in his voice. She already knew something was wrong. "Though, I could use a ride."

"I'll be right there!" Lisa practically yelled into the phone, the excitement in her voice was rising with every word. "How's Mick? Are you guys staying in Central?"

Leonard felt his chest tighten. the lump in his throat was threatening to cut off his oxygen. He took a deep breath, attempting to keep himself from hyperventilating.

"I'll see you soon." His words were softer than intended. He wasn't ready for this, but he never would be, either.

"That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea." He practically whispered. With that, he hung up. She'd know where to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time writing Len's goodbye to the team, so I really hope this works. :) Please let me know what you think and offer any suggestions in the comments! 
> 
> Chapter 4 will start in Lisa's pov, but will eventually switch back to Leonard's.
> 
> This fic started as a one-shot, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to add to the story. Due to this fact, I don't have a set plan for this fic, yet. I've just been going with the flow and writing what feels right.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy! :)


	4. Like Brother, Like Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll let you surprise me." She smiled, sweetly.
> 
> ''Alright, I can do that." He smiled and nodded, heading over to the counter.
> 
> Lisa watched him as he walked away, she couldn't help but smile again. Lisa loved being with Cisco; he was so genuine. He wasn't like so many of the other guys she had found herself with. Maybe because she was never looking for anything more than a distraction, or when she just wanted to feel something. She was never looking for happiness, she never really thought she deserved something like that. With Cisco, it was something more. She felt like she could let her guard down, just a little bit. She wasn't ready to completely let him in, not yet. But she felt like they were headed in that direction, and she loved it.

Lisa had spent the last few months with Leonard and Mick gone finally doing whatever she wanted. Len had told her to lay low, but he wasn't here, so she wasn't listening. She loved her brother, of course, but he had always been way too protective and way too bossy. She understood, for the most part. That didn't make it any less annoying. She was a grown woman, more than capable of taking care of herself. With the boys gone, she had been able to plan her own heists and do her own thing. There was always a certain thrill she got when she completed a heist, without Leonard or Mick; a sense of accomplishment that really let her feel like she didn't need them, that she was okay on her own. She needed that feeling, sometimes. She wasn't exactly as confident as she let off.

  
Lisa still missed him, though, both of them. They were the only family she had, and she was worried constantly. She knew the two of them were off time traveling, saving the world with an entire team. She figured they were were probably a hell of a lot safer than they usually were, doing heists in Central, but she couldn't shake the bad feeling she had in the pit of her stomach. She kept telling herself it would be better if she could just talk to Len, that she was just making herself worry because she wasn't able to keep tabs on them. But deep down, she knew she was lying to herself. Deep down, she knew there was something really wrong.

  
Lisa had just made her way into Jitters, wearing her blonde wig, for her coffee date with Cisco. They had run into each other at Jitters, about a week after the boys had left to join the Legends, and since the boys left to save the world, Cisco had figured Len would be less likely to murder him if they started dating. Well, he hoped so anyway. So he had asked Lisa to dinner, and they had been dating ever since. As much as she didn't like listening to Len try to control her love life, there was a certain part of her that valued his opinion and the way he could read people.

  
Nevertheless, she liked Cisco, and she didn't care if Len did. Well, maybe a little. But Cisco made her happy, and she liked him. She hadn't felt happy in a long time, not really. But with Cisco, she was. He was so lighthearted compared to her; he could laugh and joke around. There used to be a part of her that envied him, that envied anyone that seemed to be truly happy. But now it made her happy, just to see him smile. Lisa loved to listen to his jokes; to hear his laugh, it was infectious.

  
Lisa noticed Cisco waving her over from his table near the corner of the shop. She smiled brightly, a smile that only Cisco seemed to be able to bring out of her, and headed over to him. He matched her smile, and Lisa felt a warmth spread over her. She never thought she could have a real relationship, a good relationship with a good person. She loved that there was someone who truly cared about her, which was hard to believe at times. Lisa loved being able to make Cisco happy, she had a history of disappointing people. She had the marks to prove it. Lisa felt safe around Cisco, though. She trusted him, and that was never something that came easy for her.

  
Cisco jumped up as she approached the table and he ran to pull out her chair.

  
"Well, thank you, Cisco." She winked, sitting down and allowing Cisco to push her in.

  
"The pleasure is all mine." He kissed her cheek. "Can I get you a drink? I would've ordered something earlier, but I didn't want it to get cold by the time you got here. I also wasn't sure what you wanted?" Lisa could tell how nervous he was, and she couldn't help but smile. Cisco was adorable. They had been together for a few months by now, but no matter how much time passed, Cisco was always a bit nervous.

  
"I'll let you surprise me." She smiled, sweetly. There wasn't really many things she didn't like, and she definitely trusted Cisco to get her something delicious.

  
''Alright, I can do that." He smiled and nodded, heading over to the counter.

  
Lisa watched him as he walked away, she couldn't help but smile again. Lisa loved being with Cisco; he was so genuine. He wasn't like so many of the other guys she had found herself with. Maybe because she was never looking for anything more than a distraction, or when she just wanted to feel something. She was never looking for happiness, she never really thought she deserved something like that. With Cisco, it was something more. She felt like she could let her guard down, just a little bit. She wasn't ready to completely let him in, not yet. But she felt like they were headed in that direction, and she loved it.

  
Cisco returned to the table, setting a cup in front of Lisa. "I got you a Flash, same as me, I know you love them." He smiled, taking his seat across from her.

  
"You know me so well, Cisco." She smirked, taking a sip from her cup.

  
"I'm trying to." He admitted, dropping his gaze for a minute and taking a drink from his cup.

Lisa couldn't help but feel a little guilty at his words. She knew he didn't really mean anything by it, but she also knew how terrible she was at opening up to people. She wanted nothing more than to tell Cisco everything about her, to trust that he wouldn't run away once he knew everything. But she knew better than that. She couldn't let him know everything. Maybe one day, but not yet. As much as she cared about him, she wasn't ready to feel so vulnerable around him. She'd been weak around him before, but only once. She didn't plan to do it again. The last thing she wanted was someone feeling sorry for her, she didn't need anyone's pity.

  
Lisa heard her phone start ringing and looked down; she noticed the number coming from their emergency safehouse. Her heart was racing, unsure if it was excitement, or nerves. Probably both. Either the boys were back and getting a hold of her, or someone else had found their safehouse, and that was dangerous. She answered the phone, waiting for a voice on the other end. She wouldn't talk, first. Len had taught her that. The person on the other end wasn't talking, either, and she couldn't help the spark of hope she felt that it was Leonard, or Mick, on the other end of the line.

  
"Is that you?" Leonard's voice came through shaky and uncertain.

  
Lisa could've cried at the sound of his voice. "Lenny! Oh, thank God! Are you okay?!" She asked him, frantically. He sounded like he was in pain. He was trying to hide it, but she knew, she always did.

  
She noticed Cisco's eyes widen and she winked at him. She knew he must be terrified of the idea of Len coming home to find him dating his baby sister. Not to mention, all the trouble they caused for Team Flash when they were all together.

  
"I'm fine, Sis." Lisa knew he was lying through his teeth, and she was starting to worry more. "Though, I could use a ride."

  
"I'll be right there!" Lisa practically yelled at him. She couldn't wait to see them, it was hard to keep herself calm. "How's Mick? Are you guys staying in Central?" She didn't want them to leave, again. Not for a while, anyway.

  
"I'll see you soon." Len's voice was soft, too soft. There was too much pain in his voice, and it made Lisa cringe. There weren't many things in the world that could rattle Len, that could cause him so much pain. She felt her heart start to sink, as only one thing made sense. Something had happened with Mick.

  
"That bad, huh?" She asked, lightly. She was hoping it was nothing more than another fight; maybe they had separated, again. They had always had their ups and downs, and it's not like being trapped on a ship with a bunch of do-gooders for so long would've necessarily been good for them.

  
"You have no idea."

  
Leonard's voice was just above a whisper. There was a edge to his voice that made Lisa uneasy. Len never let himself get emotional, not even around her. Len hung up, and Lisa suddenly felt sick. This was worse than a fight with Mick, much worse. She noticed Cisco was starting to look worried. She felt bad about having to leave their date early, but she couldn't wait to see her brother. She needed to see him, and by the sound of it, he needed her, too. She knew he would never admit to it, but he didn't need to. It was just how they worked.

  
"I'm so sorry, Cisco." She told him, honestly. "Lenny's back, I need to pick him up." She kept her voice even. She didn't know what was wrong, yet. She didn't need to worry Cisco.

  
"Don't worry about it, it's fine. Um, is everything okay?"

  
"Yeah, he just needs a ride!" She smiled. jumping up from her seat and grabbing her coffee. "We'll meet up soon, okay?" Lisa told him, then pulled him in for a small kiss. "See you later, Cisco." She winked as she turned to walk away.

  
"Catch you later, Golden Glider." He smiled at her and took another drink of his coffee. She loved his smile, and that hair.

* * *

After hanging up with Lisa, Leonard placed the phone back where he found it and headed out of her bedroom. He slowly made his way towards the bedroom he and Mick had shared. He lifted his hand to push the curtain out of the way of his home-made door, but stopped himself. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to go in there, he wasn't sure if he could handle it. This was all way too much.

  
He always knew he and Mick wouldn't make it to a ripe old age. In all actuality, they had lived a hell of a lot longer than Leonard had ever thought they would, but he never really thought he'd have to live without Mick. There was the scare with the fire, all those years ago, but when Mick pulled out of it he knew Mick could survive anything. Or at least Len thought he could. Len always assumed he'd be the first to go out, and that would've been fine with him.

  
Leonard let out a shaky breath, bringing his hand back up and opening the curtain. The room looked exactly the same, which he should have guessed, but it was unsettling. He hated all the memories it brought back, he hated all the feelings. He sat down on the bed, hearing the old springs squeak underneath him. It was an all-too-familiar noise, and Leonard suddenly felt sick. He got up quickly, exiting the bedroom in a panic and headed towards the couch, in the living room Lisa had designed. He lied down, letting his eyes close, knowing he wouldn't sleep. He hadn't slept well in a long time, and he was exhausted.

  
Len was grateful to be off of the ship, but it felt strange to be home. He kept telling himself he'd feel better once he was with Lisa, but the truth was he knew that would only make things worse. How was he supposed to look her in the eyes and tell her what happened? How was he supposed to tell her that he couldn't stop Mick, that he couldn't save him? How was he supposed to tell her that he failed? She was on the way there, and he had no idea.

  
He kept thinking about what he was going to do once he was back in his apartment. He wasn't even sure he ever wanted to go back there, but he knew he had to. Len thought about burning the place down, but he didn't think he ever wanted to look at another fire. Everything reminded him of Mick, and he hated every second of it.

  
A few minutes later, the door to the warehouse opened and Leonard watched as Lisa slowly let herself in. He didn't move from the couch, but she was at his side with her arms wrapped around him within seconds.

  
"Lenny, I missed you so much!" Her voice was thick with emotion, something Leonard didn't hear often, it actually made him smile.

  
"I missed you, too, Sis." He responded, wrapping his arms around her, much tighter than intended. He was actually kind of surprised that she could still breathe.

  
"Where's Mick?" She asked, removing herself from his arms and sitting on the couch, placing his legs in her lap.

  
Len's stomach dropped. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he couldn't get the words out.

  
"Lenny. What happened?" She asked him, suddenly sounding a little scared.

  
Len let his eyes close and took a deep breath. "Mick.. Mick's gone, Lise."

  
"Gone?" She swallowed hard before speaking again. "Gone, where? When's he coming back?" She already knew. He knew that Lisa knew, she was a hell of a lot smarter than she let on, sometimes. But this was different, and she couldn't accept it anymore than he could. She needed to hear him say it, she needed to hear the words, but he couldn't.

  
"He's not.." Len took a deep breath again, trying to keep his voice even. "He's not coming back." He finally managed, fighting the lump in his throat.

  
He watched as Lisa slowly closed her eyes, letting a single tear fall before she quickly wiped it and stood up. "Let's get you home. You need a shower, something to eat, and definitely some sleep. You look like hell."

  
She was deflecting, but that was okay. She knew as well as he did that this wasn't something they could talk about. Not now, anyway. Maybe, not for a long time. They didn't talk to each other about how they were feeling, they didn't act vulnerable around each other. They also hadn't experienced anything like this, losing someone that meant so much to both of them. Neither of them were sure how to act at this point.

  
"Thanks." He sat up slowly, unsure if he was thanking her for not pushing it, or for telling him he looked awful. Although, he was certain he did. He wasn't even sure of the last time he looked in a mirror. He stood up, letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "After you." He motioned her towards the door, following her outside. He took one last look inside before slowly closing the warehouse door and locking it. He didn't want to see this place again, not for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally planned Cisco and Lisa's date to last longer, but once I started writing, I realized writing Cisco is not my strong suite. I tried my best, and will work on it for future chapters! This was also my first time writing Lisa, so I'll be working on that as well. :)
> 
> ~OCT 19~ I'm sorry I haven't posted a new chapter in a while! I moved to another state and have been really busy getting a new job and getting my life back together! I've been working on a new chapter and will hopefully have that for you guys soon! :)


	5. Left Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted nothing more than to open the door and see Mick sprawled over the couch, empty beer bottles and candy wrappers littering the floor. But Len knew better than that, he knew he'd open the door to nothing more than how they had left the place. Empty. Forgotten. Filled with way too many memories.

Len and Lisa had sat in silence the entire ride to his apartment. He didn't know what to say to her, and he knew she didn't know what to say to him. Len had been so excited to get her back, and now he couldn't stop the overwhelming feeling that he had come home, just to make her life worse. Nevertheless, it felt great to have his baby sister with him, again. There was something peaceful about it, something that made him feel a lot more comfortable than he had in a long time.

But as he sat there, in her car, staring at the front door to the apartment complex, he couldn't stop the familiar hollow feeling from swallowing him. He knew the place was littered with Mick's things, and he was dreading stepping inside. Len wanted to be angry with himself for still feeling this way. After all, it had been a month. But part of him felt like he had the right to still feel this way. After all, it had only been a month.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Lisa asked from the drivers seat, breaking him from his thoughts. Her normal confident tone had drained from her voice, she was more unsure than Leonard had heard her sound in quite some time.

"No." Leonard told her, though he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince her, or himself. "I think this is something I need to do on my own."

He wouldn't ask Lisa to come in, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold himself together once he stepped through the front door, and he wasn't prepared to let her see him that way. He had spent his entire life keeping himself together in front of her, he wasn't about to let her see him unravel now. After all the shit he had been through, he figured he could keep a better hold on himself. But these days, it felt like he was always closer and closer to falling apart.

Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but looked like she thought better of it. Instead, she gave a soft smile and nodded. "Call me if you need anything, I'll be back in the morning."

"Will do." Leonard didn't want to give her the time to say anything else, so he got out of the car as quickly as possible and made his way towards the front door and into the apartment complex.

He slowly made his way up the stairs, to the second door on the right. For a couple minutes, he couldn't bring himself to do anything more than stare at the door in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to open the door and see Mick sprawled over the couch, empty beer bottles and candy wrappers littering the floor. But Len knew better than that, he knew he'd open the door to nothing more than how they had left the place. Empty. Forgotten. Filled with way too many memories. He reached for the door handle, then retracted his hand as if something had bit him. It was then he realized he'd have to move.

Finally able to bring himself inside, he quietly shut the door behind him and looked around the room. He hadn't been gone that long, thanks to the waverider, but the air felt stale and heavy. There was a picture of he and Mick on their wedding day, on the side table next to the couch. Leonard had it face-down before he even realized what he was doing. He made his way to the kitchen, even though he wasn't really hungry. He opened the fridge to find four beers left in Mick's old six pack and could feel the anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He grabbed one of the bottles, throwing across the room, shattered glass and beer covering the floor.

"Stupid fucking prick!" He screamed, picking up another bottle and throwing it.

  
He was so angry. He was angry at Mick, he was angry with himself, he was angry with everyone.

  
"What the hell did you think you were doing?!" He screamed, even louder than before, throwing another bottle.

  
He couldn't bring himself to understand why Mick would do this, not really. Mick should've just let him die, he shouldn't have taken his place. How the hell did he think Len could live with that?

  
"How could you leave me?!" He felt his eyes begin to water, refusing to let the tears fall, he threw the last bottle.

  
How did Mick expect him to keep going on, without him? They promised each other they'd always be together. They'd promise they'd never leave one another behind. He didn't deserve this.

  
"How the fuck could you do this to me?! We were supposed to be together!" Reaching for another bottle, realizing there weren't any left, he threw the empty box.

  
If they had to go out, they were going to go out together. If one of them had to go out, it'd be Len. He never said it out loud, but that was the plan. Mick was better than him. Mick deserved to live.

  
"It was you and me, Mick! You and me against the world! But you're not here anymore! What the hell am I supposed to do without you?!"

He couldn't remember the last time he screamed so loud, and he hadn't really took into consideration the fact that he was still on the top floor of an apartment building until Mrs. Duncan, the very nice old lady who lived underneath him, had begun knocking on his door.

"Leonard, dear? Are you alright?"

Len had originally introduced himself with an alias, but given the frequency of his name and face pasted all over the news, it wasn't long before she knew exactly who he was, but she never seemed to care. She was a tough woman, and as long as you respected her, she'd respect you. Leonard had always admired her for that.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he needed to calm down to prevent himself from yelling at some poor old lady, who he probably had already scared the hell out of. He slowly made his way to the door and cracked it open, hoping she wouldn't see the mess he had made. Len's plan was soon thwarted, as she pushed him out of the way, letting herself into his apartment.

"You know, for such a nice young man, you make quite a lot of racket."

Leonard rolled his eyes and shut the door behind her.

"I'm very sorry, Mrs. Duncan. However, I'm not really in the mood for company."

"Yes, I could tell." She told him, with no intention of leaving. "Mind telling me what this is all about?" She was looking at his kitchen floor, now covered in beer and broken glass.

"Not particularly." He answered, sounding a bit more cold than intended.

Mrs. Duncan turned to look at him, and there was a sort of understanding in her eyes. She probably didn't know exactly what happened, but she was smart, and knew Leonard better than he cared for. He was pretty sure she had a pretty good idea, she at least knew it had something to do with Mick.

"Okay. Well, if you want to talk, you know where I'll be. Otherwise, quiet your ass down. I'm trying to sleep." She told him, matter-of-factly, as she made her way across his living room and to the door, which Leonard had already opened for her. She paused, turning to look at him. "Losing someone is never easy, you just remember not to lose yourself." She told him, then made her way out the door and down the stairs.

Leonard closed his eyes again as he shut the door behind her, realizing only then how badly he was shaking, he made his way to the couch and laid down. This wasn't how today was supposed to go. This wasn't how anything was supposed to go. He couldn't help but feel completely lost, and before he could stop himself, he was calling Lisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait for this chapter, guys! A lot has been going on lately and I just recently moved out of state and got a new job. But the new chapter is finally here! As always, feel free to comment what you think, or leave helpful suggestions. I hope you enjoy it. :)


	6. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not your fault you know." Lisa broke the silence, like she had read his mind.
> 
> "You weren't there." Len answered, before he could stop himself. He wasn't hungry anymore, he set the half eaten brownie on the side table.
> 
> "But I know you." She said, almost as a whisper.

"I made brownies!" Lisa came strolling out of the kitchen, with a plate stacked with double chocolate brownies, into the living room.

  
"It's the middle of the night, Lise." Len grumbled, from his spot on the couch.

  
He hadn't moved since he called her. By the time she got there, he was already regretting having called her. It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with her, it was that he didn't want her to see him like this. Especially when he knew she was hurting, too. In a moment of anger and a lapse in judgement, he had called her, thinking he didn't want to be alone. But now all he could think about was being alone. Maybe it was better that way. Nothing good ever happened when he let himself get close to people, he was toxic. He didn't need to bring her down, too. Anymore than he already had, anyway.

  
"I know what time it is, Lenny." Lisa moved over to the couch, shoving his feet down from their comfortable resting place, taking a seat next to Len and setting the plate in her lap. "They're comfort food, and they're delicious." She told him, taking a bite out of one. "They always make me feel better. Plus, they're your favorite."

  
Len gave her a cold stare before taking one off the plate. "I don't want this."

  
"Stop being a child and eat the damn brownie."

  
"You're awfully bossy." He told her, before taking a bite. "But these are pretty good."

  
"I learned from the best." Lisa told him, with a smirk.

  
He wanted to talk to her about what happened, deep down, he did. But he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to talk about it. He had always wanted to protect her from this type of pain, but he always seemed to be the cause of it. Ever since they were kids, if Lewis was mad at him, he'd take it out on Lisa. He knew that would hurt Len way worse than he fists ever would. Even when the time came and he had to kill Lewis, it still hurt her. She'd never admit it, but he knew their was a part of her that never really wanted him dead, she just wanted him to be a father; a real father.

  
Now he had taken Mick from her, too. Len and Mick had essentially raised her together. Mick had always been the only other person that really looked after her, that truly cared about her and loved her. No matter how hard Leonard tried, he could never stop hurting Lisa.

  
"It's not your fault you know." Lisa broke the silence, like she had read his mind.

  
"You weren't there." Len answered, before he could stop himself. He wasn't hungry anymore, he set the half eaten brownie on the side table.

  
"But I know you." She said, almost as a whisper. "I know you did everything in your power to save him. I know-"

  
"I'm not discussing this." He hissed, cutting her off.

  
"We have to. Sooner or later, you're going to have to talk about this. It's eating you alive." She spoke so softly, he hated it. She wasn't above a fight, especially after being cut off. He wasn't fragile, she didn't need to treat him like he was about to break.

  
"I don't have to do anything."

  
"I loved him, too." Lisa whispered, and Leonard's heart sunk.

  
He knew she loved, Mick. He obviously knew. But he had never heard her say the words, and there was something about it that cut through him like a knife. He wasn't ready for this, he wasn't ready for any of this. Len closed his eyes and let out a steady breath.

  
"I know you did." He whispered back.

  
"I deserve to know what happened."

  
When he opened his eyes again, the look on Lisa's face was enough to make him never want to open them again. He had never seen her look so vulnerable. He had never seen her look so broken.

  
"I can't." He told her, his voice breaking.

  
That was all he could get out of his mouth. He wanted to tell her, he needed to, but he kept choking on the words. She was right, she deserved to know. When he first left the ship, he had planned on telling her. But every time he thought he was healing, he started feeling broken again.

  
"Please."

  
Len had never heard her say that word, either. He couldn't handle this situation, any of it. Lisa was so hurt, and it was all his fault. He needed to be strong, he needed to do this for her. This was his mess, the least he could do was clean it up. She would hate him, as soon as he told her, but that was okay. He deserved it. She should get as far away from him as possible, because he'd only hurt her more. He didn't want to lose her, he really didn't. He loved her more than anything in the world. But if she stayed with him, she'd end up with the same fate as Mick. He couldn't take care of her, he couldn't take care of anybody.

  
"It should've been me." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and it was too late to take them back.

  
"Don't say that!"

  
"It's true!" He hissed at her, and then he couldn't stop himself anymore. "He took my place! It was supposed to be me, it should've been me! He'd still be here, you'd still have him! He deserved better!" He didn't want to yell, but he couldn't stop.

  
"What the hell are you talking about?! What happened?!" They were both standing now, trembling.

  
Len took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He needed to explain, he couldn't keep yelling at her. She had no idea what had happened, and he wasn't making any sense. At this point, he was only making things worse and upsetting Lisa more. He was good at that.

  
"We were on a mission." He started, quietly this time. "We were at this place, called the Vanishing Point, fighting these people called Time Masters." He was pacing around the living room, trying to keep himself calm. "It's a long story, but we had to blow the place up, to stop them from doing terrible things. But someone had to be there to do it. I decided to stay, to give the team a chance to get away. Mick knocked me out, made sure I was put back on the ship, and stayed behind. When I regained consciousness, we were gone, and so was he."

  
He hadn't looked at her the entire time he was speaking. He didn't want to see the look on her face. He didn't want to see how disapointed she was, he couldn't handle it. He didn't want to hurt her, anymore.

  
"It wasn't your fault, Lenny." Lisa told him, quietly.

  
He stopped in his tracks, risking a look at her. She didn't hate him, she didn't blame him, and she wasn't broken. She was strong.

  
"How can you say that?"

  
"I'm not going to ask why you wanted to stay behind, but I'm sure Mick had his own reasons, too. You couldn't have changed what happened, you couldn't have stopped him. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but this was not your fault."

  
"I'm tired, Lise." He talked about it, he had told her what happened, now he was done. He didn't want to talk about it, anymore. He was glad she didn't blame him, he was so happy she didn't hate him. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to stop blaming himself, and it definitely didn't mean he was going to stop hating himself. He was too far gone.

  
She opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to think better of it. She wanted to keep talking about it, he knew she did. She wanted to help him, she wanted him to say he understood, to say it wasn't his fault. She wanted to keep him up all night, trying to convince him that everything would be okay, and that he would heal. He knew his sister all too well. All she wanted to do was help, but he just couldn't accept any. He didn't want any help, he didn't deserve it.

"Get some sleep. I'll be on the couch."

  
Len nodded and headed into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He looked around the room, but all he could see were memories of Mick. There were pictures on the dresser from their wedding and honeymoon, a closet full of Mick's clothes and a bed that they had shared. Before he knew what was happening, he was hyperventilating and running out of the bedroom. He grabbed some blankets and a couple pillows from the linen closet and made his way back into the living room.

  
"Here." He handed a blanket and pillow to Lisa, who was already curled up and looking quite comfortable.

  
"Thanks." She gave a small smile, and Leonard couldn't help but feel just a little bit better.

  
He walked over to the love seat and threw the other pillow and blanket down, lying down with his legs hanging over the edge.

  
"Sleeping out here?"

  
He paused for a moment, still attempting to catch his breath and gather his thoughts. "I don't want to sleep in our bed without him." He admitted. "It doesn't feel right."

  
"Do you want to take the bigger couch?" She offered, she was a good few inches shorter than him.

  
"No, it's okay. I'll be fine. Get some sleep, Lise."

  
"Okay. Night, Lenny." She gave him a small smile before turning around to face the couch.

  
"Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here you are, some more pain! I know it's been taking me a while to post these chapters, but I've been working a lot lately and dealing with some home things. I'm going to work on posting more frequently, but I make no promises.
> 
> As always, feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope your enjoy! :)


	7. Out of the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One, two, three, four, five." Len counted, quietly, then took a deep breath and headed back inside. He had made a new rule for himself about a month ago - when things got bad, he allowed himself five seconds of panic, and then he had to breathe and get back to whatever it was he was doing.

_"'Cause we're good together, Len, like you said. You and me, or not at all, right? This just makes it official."_

_"Alright, Mick. We'll get married."_

Leonard woke up with a start, he was sweating and shaking. He had buried that memory deep down for far too long, but recently it was all he dreamt about. He was doing much better than before, but he wasn't recovering from this as quickly as he had hoped he would. It had been six months since he lost Mick, and the worst part was the nightmares, which weren't exactly nightmares in the traditional sense. They were memories, happy memories of himself and Mick. But they felt like nightmares, because they hadn't really been that happy in so long, and they'd never have the chance to be that happy again.

He sat up from his makeshift bed on the couch and looked across the room to where Lisa had been sleeping, though she had been gone since early that morning. She had been staying with him on and off since he got back. No matter how many times he had told her he didn't need her there anymore, she stayed anyway. Leonard figured that at this point, it was more for her sake than it was his.

Len made his way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, he wasn't even hungry. Even if he was, there really wasn't much food in the house. He went into the cabinet to find the coffee, figuring that was just about as good as eating something. He couldn't even remember the last time he really sat down and ate something. He looked at the clock on the stove and saw it was about 12:30pm. Normally, sleeping past noon would bother him, but at some point he had just stopped caring. There was nothing for him when he was awake, and there was nothing for him when he was asleep. But at least when he was sleeping, he could be with Mick, until he woke up and the unsettling reality set it once again.

Once the coffee finished brewing, he took a cup and made his way back into the living room. Normally, he enjoyed being alone. But recently, he liked the company, mainly because it meant he didn't really have time to just think. He hated being left alone with his thoughts, it never ended well. Today felt different somehow, like making it six months without Mick was a sort of milestone. He could go inside his own room without having a panic attack now, which was definitely an improvement from before.

He'd been going back and forth about whether or not he should move since he had gotten back. Lisa kept telling him that he should keep the place, if only for the memories, that he should wait before he made any rash decisions that he would end up regretting. But the more time went on, the more he started to realize that whether he liked it or not, that phase of his life had ended. He almost wished he could've given Mick a proper funeral, but there was no body to bury, and Len wasn't sure he could take that. Still, though, he wanted to give Mick something. He deserved something. He deserved a hell of a lot more than Leonard could ever give him, in life and in death.

Before he had given himself too much time to overthink it, he went into their bedroom and opened up the drawer on Mick's side of the bed and found his favorite lighter. It was the lighter that Len had given to him while they were in juvie. Mick would get pretty agitated when he had to go so long without lighting anything on fire, so to thank Mick for saving his life, Len had swiped this zippo off a guard and given it to Mick in secret. He pulled the lighter out of the drawer and headed back into the kitchen, poured himself some coffee in a to-go mug and headed outside. He needed to do something, for Mick.

Len got in his car and started driving. He didn't usually like to drive cars, he wasn't really good at it. Mick was always the driver, Len was only good on a bike. But this was a long drive, and one that was much easier for him to make in a car. He and Mick had a cabin a few hours southeast of Central City. It was the first place they bought together after getting married, all those years ago. They didn't make it out there very often, but every time they needed to get away, they'd just get in the car and spend a week or two out there, away from everything. They hadn't been out there since the incident, but now Len wished they could've made it back there, even just one more time.

* * *

It was nightfall by the time Leonard started pulling into the long, gravel driveway. At first he thought he should wait until morning to do this, but he knew that if he waited, he'd find some other excuse to talk himself out of it. He got out of the car and headed to the small shed next to the cabin. It was locked. Leonard had no idea where the key was, so he kicked the door in and pulled out a small shovel. He'd fix the door later. He headed out towards the backyard, out to a tree they used to sit under; Leonard would read, and Mick would watch him. Mick used to watch him a lot. Len used to think it was weird, but now he thought he understood. He used to watch Mick, too. Mick was beautiful.

Len sat under the tree for a moment and looked up at the sky, he could see some of the stars starting to come out. The stars were so beautiful, he wasn't sure why he had never noticed before. Maybe he had always been too busy, maybe he had always been too hard. He sat up on his knees and began digging a small hole where he had been sitting. He placed the zippo in the hole and covered it up before carving RIP MR into the tree, right under where the previously carved LS and MR were. He had almost forgot that Mick had carved their initials into the tree their first night staying in the cabin. He sat down next to the tree, and for a moment he felt content. It was almost like Mick was with him, it almost felt like old times. But Mick wasn't there, and that's why he was here. Suddenly, he felt exhausted.

He stood up and looked down at that buried zippo, he wanted to say something, but nothing would come out. Instead, he headed towards the front of the cabin. He took out his keys to unlock the door and realized the keys to the shed were right there. Of course they were, where else would they be? He was losing his mind. He opened the door and could smell the must from a house that had been sitting empty for so long. Everything was the same, and he was suffocating. He ran out of the cabin and all the way back to his car, gasping for breath.

"One, two, three, four, five." Len counted, quietly, then took a deep breath and headed back inside. He had made a new rule for himself about a month ago - when things got bad, he allowed himself five seconds of panic, and then he had to breathe and get back to whatever it was he was doing. He was done letting pain and fear run his life, he was ready to get better. He wanted to be better. He shut the front door behind him and took a look around the place; it had quite a few years worth of dust built into it. It took less than five minutes of being inside before Leonard had started cleaning the place up. He really hadn't planned on staying, but for some reason, he just couldn't leave it like this.

* * *

It was after midnight when Leonard had finally finished cleaning the place. He knew he should be hungry, but he still didn't want to eat. Instead, he headed inside the bedroom he had once shared with Mick. He smiled, because the picture Lisa had taken of them on their wedding day was still sitting on the dresser. They had looked so happy; Leonard couldn't remember being that happy. He laid down in their bed, and for the first time in a long time, he slept.

* * *

He was awake by daybreak and was already getting ready to head back to Central City. He made sure all the lights were off, locked the cabin door behind him and started heading out to his car. He stopped a few feet shy of the car, looked back at the tree and smiled, it felt good. It wasn't enough, but it was something. When he got to his car he realized he had about a million missed calls and texts from Lisa, she was worried sick. He hadn't intentionally left his phone in the car, but now he was glad that he had. He didn't have too much battery left, but he figured he should call her to let her know he didn't go off the deep end. The line had only rung once before Lisa answered.

"Lenny?! Where the hell are you?! Are you okay?! Why didn't you call me?! Do you have any idea how worried I was when you didn't come home last night?!"

"Relax, Lise." He drawled, starting to almost feel like himself again. "I'm alive, and I'm fine. I just needed to get away."

"You could have called to let me know you were okay! I've been up half the night, worried sick!"

"You worry too much."

"You sound.. Good."

She sounded surprised, Len couldn't really blame her. But he could hear the smile in her voice, and that made him smile, too. He fought the urge to respond with sarcasm. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I feel okay, Lise. Not good, but better than before."

"That's good."

"It's good." He smiled again, he knew she was smiling, too.

"I'll see you in a few hours."

"Okay."

With that, he hung up. He could tell she still wanted to talk, she always wanted to know everything, she was nosy. But he was glad she didn't pry, she had been relatively good about that lately. Part of him felt bad about it, he didn't want his little sister to have to change who she was or walk on eggshells around him, but part of him was glad she had been leaving it alone. She knew he'd come to her when she was ready.

Leonard started the car and made his way back down the long driveway and onto the road. The sun was coming up and the sky looked beautiful. It was quiet, but for the first time in a long time, the silence wasn't eating him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for this chapter, guys! I'm pretty proud of this one. Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think, or give me suggestions! Thank you all for sticking around for so long!
> 
> Also, I'm going to be posting Mick and Len's wedding scene as a one-shot within the next few weeks, in case you're interested. :)


End file.
